CARING FOR JEWISH MILITARY PERSONNEL FROM ALLIED FORCES & THEIR FAMILIES

• A letter to Mum and Dad from a kid from Eromanga, a small town in far south west Queensland, west of Charleville.

 Dear Mum and Dad,

I am well. I hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is bedda than workin’ on the farm. Tell ‘em to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

 I woz a bit slow in settling down at first, coz ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleepin’ in now, coz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing”!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but it’s not so bad, coz there’s a lotta hot water and even a light to see whatcha doing!

 At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. Ya don’t get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys have had it coz we’ve been on a “route march”. Geeze, it’s only just like walkin’ to the windmill in the back paddock!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting’ medals for shootin’, dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year. All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target. It’s a piece of cake! Ya don’t even load your own cartridges coz they come in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo-shooting truck when ya reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy. It’s not like fightin’ with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got. I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers. He’s six foot five inches and fifteen stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know, I’m only five foot six inches and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army. Tell the boys to get in quick before words gets around how good it is.

Your lovin’ daughter,

Jill

• As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
  As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
  The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

• A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
  The Lieutenant replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design.  I can't help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference.  Why?  What do you think of, Sergeant?"
  "I think somebody stole the damn tent."

• It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
  The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
  Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!"
  The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
  The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
  The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
  The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
  The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
  The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

• "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and dance on my grave."
  “Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
  "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

• A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
  They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
  The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
  The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

• Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
  Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
  Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
  Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
  Soldier: "No, SIR!"

• Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
  Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
  Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
  "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

• An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
  The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
  When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

• Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, 19 years old who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
  As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
  In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
  The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
  The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
  The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
  The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

• The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.
  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
  The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
  Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

• During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
  "Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

• 
  • "Aim towards the Enemy." [Instruction printed on US rocket launcher]
  • When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is no longer our friend. [From a US Field Manual]
  • Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
  • Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
  • Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
  • If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
  • If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
  • Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
  • No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
  • Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
  • If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  • Tracers work both ways.
  • Friendly fire isn't.
  • Five second fuses only last three seconds.
  • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
  • The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
  • Incoming fire has the right of way.
  • The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
  • If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
  • And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

• Shortly after joining the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the Sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments. He handed several tasks out and then asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?"
  A longtime ham radio operator, I shouted, "I do!"
  "Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."

• A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no G-d. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:
  "G-D, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
  I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!"
  The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
  Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting G-d, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, G-d! I'm still waiting!"
  His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold.
  The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent ... waiting.
  Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
  "G-d was really busy protecting Allied Forces soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

• Army basic trainees at Fort McClellan were required to go on a demanding 12 mile march. They got started at 0600 and were pumped up for the trek.
  An hour later, feeling the heavy load of their packs, they wondered if the end would ever come.
  “Men,” our Sergeant yelled, “You're doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles!”
  Revitalised, we picked up the pace.
  “And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the starting point any minute now.”

• The U.S. succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: "Attack or retreat?"
  The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes."
  The Generals look at each other, bewildered. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "Yes what?"
  Instantly the computer responded: "Yes sir."

• A transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations.
  Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
  Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
  Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
  Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
  Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
  Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

• Having passed the enlistment physical, John was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
  "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
  "Oh? And what does your father do?"
  "He's in the Army, sir."

• A group of Lieutenants were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures. They’re falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measure. The whole thing is a mess.
  Finally, a Sergeant comes along and sees what they’re trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the lieutenants, and walks away.
  After the Sergeant has gone, one Lieutenant turns to another and laughs, “Isn’t that just like a Sergeant? We’re looking for the height and he gives us the length!”

• Speaking of airports in Germany, the one servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew.
  They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route.
  This is the account of one such flight in particular, concerning a Senior Captain ...
  "Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions."
  "British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."
  "Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."
  "British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before ?"
  "Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop !!!"

• Dear Abby,
  I have a problem. I have two brothers. One brother is a boatswain in the Navy, the other was put to death in the electric chair for a gruesome multiple murder. My mother died from insanity caused by syphilis when I was three years old. My sisters are prostitutes, and my father sells narcotics to high school students. Recently I met a girl who was just released from prison. She was sentenced for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I want to marry her.
  My problem is - if I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who is a Boatswain Mate.?
  Sign Dilemma

• Radio Interview with General Reinwald
  This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
  FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
  GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
  FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
  GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
  FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
  GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
  FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
  GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

• USAF Maintenance Logs
  Some (supposedly) actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews... (source unknown)
• Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
  Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
• Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
  Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
• Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
  Solution #1:"#2 Propeller seepage normal."
  Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
• Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
  Signed off :"IT DOES NOW."
• Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
  Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
• Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
  Solution: "Evidence removed..."
• Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
  Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
• Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
  Solution: "Live bugs on order."
• Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
  Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
• Problem: "IFF inoperative."
  Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
• Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
  Solution: "That’s what they’re there for."
• Problem: "Number three engine missing."
  Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

• Here is a verified one:
  Complaint: FLIR (Forward Looking Infra-red) not operational.
  Solution: Found the On Full Force (OFF) switch in the On Full Force position. FLIR will not work in that mode.
  The request was submitted by a LTC. After reviewing his closure information he came to the shop and asked where the On Full Force (OFF) switch was located so he would not make the same mistake twice.